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Imaginary Boyfriend: Dwayne Johnson

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I think my love of Dwayne Johnson can be explained in the following conversation I had with my husband the other day:

Me: (Watching a trailer for San Andreas) I don’t know why, because he’s not my type, but I’m really attracted to him.

My husband: I think it’s his smile.

So there you go. I think this also explains why I love my husband so much.

Closing Argument: Dwayne is this big, strong guy but his smile is like a ball of sunshine. Also, I’m positive he could lift me up with no problem which is a huge turn on for a former chubby girl.

Thoughts While Trying Pot Brownies for the First Time

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So… I tried pot brownies for the first time recently. I had enough for three different nights and decided to write down my thoughts on each night so I could remember what was going through my mind at the time.

Notes from Experience #1

“Deja Vu while you’re high.

I won’t remember this in the morning. My short term memory isn’t working.

The tv is talking about being high while I’m high. It’s freaking me out.

Heart flutters….world mutters….piercing sky…whistling in my ear.

I’ll remember this.

I panic because I almost forgot.

Every thought and thing seems important. I need to write it down.

My brain feels like there’s no gravity to hold it to Earth. It keeps floating up but my skull is keeping it prisoner like a               ceiling does to a balloon.”

Notes from Experience #2

“My vagina is unraveling…Like a flower blooming…It’s warm.

I would have sex with Daniel Tosh.

Sex was really good tonight. I kept thinking it was a dream and I would never feel the orgasm but then I did.

Numb intensity.

Helium brain has returned.”

Notes from Experience #3

“Why hadn’t I realized before how cute Danny Pudi is?

The words I read won’t enter my brain. I have to read everything 3 times in order to remember.

With alcohol buzz, you slowly get foggier and foggier. Its a straight line leading up to the buzzed feeling.

With pot, everything feels fine and normal, then suddenly it spikes and you realize something weird is going on. Like       suddenly time moves very slowly or you’ll get stuck on a thought but then you’re back to normal again. It goes up and       down like a heartbeat.

My husband says the tip of his eyelids are on fire. They feel hot.

He says he gets cold when he blinks.

I find that funny.”

Closing thoughts: What have I learned about myself from this experiment? The first night I was so paranoid about forgetting anything that I couldn’t focus on anything else. The second night something apparently was happening in my lady parts. And the third night was all about debating pot versus alcohol. I know I’d never be able to function properly if this was a normal habit for me. My thoughts seem so important in that state and they obviously weren’t. Also, I have questionable taste in men when I’m high so that would lead to all sorts of trouble. I DID sleep like a baby on those nights though.

It was an interesting experience.

Imaginary Boyfriend: Josh Hutcherson

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So let’s pretend my love of The Hunger Games and Peeta “Fucking” Mellark played no role in making Josh my new imaginary boyfriend. Here are the 3 reasons Josh should be at the top of everyone’s delusional hall pass list:

1.) He’s a success story. Josh has been acting since he was a little kid and is still at it. That shows not only dedication but perseverance. Also, he managed to grow up in the spotlight without succumbing to it’s pressures. There’s something to be said about a man with staying power.

2.) He’s a sensitive guy. Josh is one of those sweet boy next door types who make the ultimate partners in life. If you want a bad boy, help yourself. I’d much rather go home to a kind and understanding person who treats me like I’m a special snowflake and respects me as a person. Doesn’t Josh just seem like the type who will ask you how your day was while he cooks you dinner because he got home from work first and, fuck stereotypes, gosh darn it, you guys are in this relationship thing together?! He also definitely looks like the kind of dude who makes eye contact during sex and would totally be into going down on you….. I might be projecting a little.

3.) He’s a free spirit who speaks up for his beliefs. Josh has always been a vocal advocate for the LGBT community. When asked whether he was gay his response was, “Maybe I could say right now I’m 100% straight. But who knows? In a fucking year, I could meet a guy and be like, Whoa, I’m attracted to this person.” He also added, “I’ve never been, like, Oh, I want to kiss that guy. I really love women. But I think defining yourself as 100% anything is kind of near-sighted and close-minded.” I find it so refreshing and enlightened of him to not be held back by society’s restrictions on sexuality. It somehow makes me want him harder.

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 CLOSING ARGUMENT:  Josh is a beautiful soul with sad puppy dog eyes. What’s not to like here? When given the choice, always go with the good guy.