Imaginary Boyfriend: Jon Stewart

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thedailyshow_jonstewart_1200_article_story_largeJon is my imaginary boyfriend this week for always saying what I think yet struggle to express. I hold him in the highest regards as someone I find intelligent yet able to find humor in most situations. He knows exactly when the situation calls for a joke or a stand on your chair shout.

This week, after the horrific news of the Charleston shooting came out, I think I finally reached my point of exhaustion. To be honest, I feel disheartened. I have this constant lump in my throat. Every day I hear news of humans failing humanity through acts of hate. I don’t know if I want to scream or cry or lock myself in my room and never come out. I love this planet and the people in it but I’m so sad that we can’t figure this peace thing out. It seems so simple to just treat people respectfully and look at them through the eyes you would use for yourself or a loved one but it must not be that simple because so many people are struggling with it.

How can humans be both beautiful and infuriating? Why can’t we stop choosing sides and understand that we’re ALL to blame for the state of things. No one religion or race caused our troubles.The hate just seems to be multiplying. We’re creating new generations of soldiers destined to kill for whatever cause they’ve been taught to believe in.

Closing Arguments: Seeing someone with a large platform point out the craziness of the world in a rational way helps. Jon does that for me.


Imaginary Boyfriend: Dwayne Johnson

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I think my love of Dwayne Johnson can be explained in the following conversation I had with my husband the other day:

Me: (Watching a trailer for San Andreas) I don’t know why, because he’s not my type, but I’m really attracted to him.

My husband: I think it’s his smile.

So there you go. I think this also explains why I love my husband so much.

Closing Argument: Dwayne is this big, strong guy but his smile is like a ball of sunshine. Also, I’m positive he could lift me up with no problem which is a huge turn on for a former chubby girl.

Imaginary Boyfriend: Josh Hutcherson

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So let’s pretend my love of The Hunger Games and Peeta “Fucking” Mellark played no role in making Josh my new imaginary boyfriend. Here are the 3 reasons Josh should be at the top of everyone’s delusional hall pass list:

1.) He’s a success story. Josh has been acting since he was a little kid and is still at it. That shows not only dedication but perseverance. Also, he managed to grow up in the spotlight without succumbing to it’s pressures. There’s something to be said about a man with staying power.

2.) He’s a sensitive guy. Josh is one of those sweet boy next door types who make the ultimate partners in life. If you want a bad boy, help yourself. I’d much rather go home to a kind and understanding person who treats me like I’m a special snowflake and respects me as a person. Doesn’t Josh just seem like the type who will ask you how your day was while he cooks you dinner because he got home from work first and, fuck stereotypes, gosh darn it, you guys are in this relationship thing together?! He also definitely looks like the kind of dude who makes eye contact during sex and would totally be into going down on you….. I might be projecting a little.

3.) He’s a free spirit who speaks up for his beliefs. Josh has always been a vocal advocate for the LGBT community. When asked whether he was gay his response was, “Maybe I could say right now I’m 100% straight. But who knows? In a fucking year, I could meet a guy and be like, Whoa, I’m attracted to this person.” He also added, “I’ve never been, like, Oh, I want to kiss that guy. I really love women. But I think defining yourself as 100% anything is kind of near-sighted and close-minded.” I find it so refreshing and enlightened of him to not be held back by society’s restrictions on sexuality. It somehow makes me want him harder.


 CLOSING ARGUMENT:  Josh is a beautiful soul with sad puppy dog eyes. What’s not to like here? When given the choice, always go with the good guy.